Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Amazing! Grace?

Sadly, I've neither had the proper insurance, finances, or follow-through to get the proper psychotherapy that I so obviously would benefit from ... and I'm not a licensed therapist (although I don't tell my patients that) (this joke will have to be pried from my cold, dead lips/fingers) so I've had to do my own tedious self-examined life stuff. I'm probably about a decade behind where I should be, if one is going by age chronology. Whatever!

Anyway, I had an epiphany a few years ago. I was having some hard times with a friend. My knee-jerk, reflexive, default emotional process goes something like this: X doesn't like me; X doesn't want me around. Then it's just reaction into hurt and withdrawal. But in some inspired moment I had the realization that my feelings for X remain the same -- I care for this person deeply. And I tried something new (for me) I acted out of love ... instead of reacting out of hurt. Holy fuck if it didn't work! X and I remain close to this day.

To get up in the morning means I'll be tested constantly ... I so obviously cannot always rise above ... I remain comically imperfect and will probably have to reincarnate a bucketload of times yet ... but this has remained constant -- every time I respond with love I feel better. Every time I allow anger and its twin, hurt, to grab the wheel of my response/s, I disappoint myself. It's a pity, too, because I cut my teeth on sarcasm and the biting remark.

I've experienced an awful lot of loss this year ... I want to transcend hurt and anger.
Right now it feels more like what's happening with finances (basically I am so fucked) so I spend out of a manic energy, kinda. All for others ... Christmas and stuff ... but if I'm clipping coupons for cans of Whiskas and I do not have a cat, I probably shouldn't have been doing what I've been doing. Whatever!
I cannot not buy for a child ... I just can't.

But to continually react and act out of love ... ah, most difficult. Most worth it?


Anonymous said...

Sigh, want to come sit on my lap?

Anonymous said...

u r mahvelous.

Anonymous said...

remember the days when all it took to put a smile on your face was a bowl of cocoa puffs? a game of ping-pong? a carpenter's tune? the determination to repair a shed roof? silly sessions with the cassette recorder? skiing watatic at night? getting busted by my aunt pearl while trying to walk all the way to fitchburg ( or were we hitchiking?)..busting out of the Bruins training locker room with Bobby Orr's hockeystick! Esposito's?

Dianne said...

Should I be concerned that all my reader (s) are anonymous?

Anon 1: No, but thank you (I KNOW where that lap has been...)

Anon 2: Thanks!

Anon 3: I do remember, but I'm hoping age and cheap gin will continue to buffer and erase. Don't you wonder how much we could get on eBay for Bobby Orr's hockey stick? Can't help but wonder if we would have gotten away with the heist, too, if ONLY we hadn't SPRINTED, bug-eyed, through the building and out the door, with the hockey stick above our stupid, pointy heads...

Anonymous said...

We are all the same person.

Love, Sybil

Dianne said...

That's a very Zen statement, Sybil.