Sadly, I've neither had the proper insurance, finances, or follow-through to get the proper psychotherapy that I so obviously would benefit from ... and I'm not a licensed therapist (although I don't tell my patients that) (this joke will have to be pried from my cold, dead lips/fingers) so I've had to do my own tedious self-examined life stuff. I'm probably about a decade behind where I should be, if one is going by age chronology. Whatever!
Anyway, I had an epiphany a few years ago. I was having some hard times with a friend. My knee-jerk, reflexive, default emotional process goes something like this: X doesn't like me; X doesn't want me around. Then it's just reaction into hurt and withdrawal. But in some inspired moment I had the realization that my feelings for X remain the same -- I care for this person deeply. And I tried something new (for me) I acted out of love ... instead of reacting out of hurt. Holy fuck if it didn't work! X and I remain close to this day.
To get up in the morning means I'll be tested constantly ... I so obviously cannot always rise above ... I remain comically imperfect and will probably have to reincarnate a bucketload of times yet ... but this has remained constant -- every time I respond with love I feel better. Every time I allow anger and its twin, hurt, to grab the wheel of my response/s, I disappoint myself. It's a pity, too, because I cut my teeth on sarcasm and the biting remark.
I've experienced an awful lot of loss this year ... I want to transcend hurt and anger.
Right now it feels more like what's happening with finances (basically I am so fucked) so I spend out of a manic energy, kinda. All for others ... Christmas and stuff ... but if I'm clipping coupons for cans of Whiskas and I do not have a cat, I probably shouldn't have been doing what I've been doing. Whatever!
I cannot not buy for a child ... I just can't.
But to continually react and act out of love ... ah, most difficult. Most worth it?